i have been sleeping all day basically... and... the only reason i woke up was because i was dreaming about drinking the only pepsi in my fridge. So i woke up and am drinking that only pepsi in my fridge.

to tell you the truth, whoever that you may be... my heart is filled with burden. There are so many thoughts running through my head... yet somethings are still very clear. it is sad how much i have had to grow up so quickly. its only sad because having to grow up, i had to be sad. innocence and being naive had set me up for much disapointment and failure. i don't resent my scars at all though. i like them. without them a person cannot find their strengths... and a person cannot reflect upon themselves and grow. cliche? very... but wisdom and life is often so very cliche. but to get to this point, its taken a while. a long road of heartache and confusion. not to say that everything is set arrow straight, but still... i wouldn't go back to the dark. my heart feels calloused, yet... i don't mind that. i guard it now like how... a scrouge guards his last gold penny... but... i feel as if... this piece of my heart that is still so solid and unbroken is my last gold penny. the other parts were not only broken, but shattered. close to being burned to flames... but i had enough sense to not let it burn to ashes. no one deserves the right to burn it... not even my insanity. but you learn and you find that your heart is something to guard with vigor and passion. out of innocence and misguidence, i had wrongly given pieces to those much undeserving.  

i am not bitter and jaded. i find that love is a very possible thing. rare, yet possible but i've found that the meaning of Love is not what i thought it was. Love is not a feeling mind you. feelings are hormones... emotions... but Love takes a lifetime to accomplish. the maturity to never hurt the object of your love... it takes more than mere "feelings" or "emotions" to accomplish such love...

i'm difficult and complicated. it will take someone to unlock me. but i will no longer teach someone "how" to unlock me. i want to just find that one that will know... someone to teach me... to save me... not the other way around. someone who will not view me as an object of simple want and desire, to add to their collection... but with grace and maturity save me. i am not sinking to be saved... but one who will guard my tears. my tears are my hearts shatter and shiver. a man who will make me cry, is one who is unworthy and undeserving. it has taken ridiculous amounts of tears to realize this. no words, no sorry can take away the tears that have already spilled. once they are spilled... its already too late...

well... pepsi is drunk clean. goodnight